Lump in my throat. Sigh.

There is a lump in my throat and it is not a sorethroat.

Alot of things are so ironic it is annoying. At the same time, so many issues are so annoying it is ironic.

One. When we begin our day with the intention to reach out to our 'loved ones', that intention easily crumbles like pastry on apple crumble pie. The pastry tastes wonderful but heavenly delicacies like this never lasts long. Likewise, good wills/intentions never last long. Baking a good pastry pie comes from the inspiration to bake which would then stimulate your baking skills. Picture a scene where you have waited for this moment to bake since you are now 'in the mood' but when everything is laid out, utensils, ingredients and all, your inspiration leaves you. We strive for perfection, we strive to make full use of our day and be of use to everyone but when the chance for us to prove ourselves arrives, we loose all the strength we need. How ironic.

Two. What is the use of pleasing other people when, at the end of the day, it would not please but hurt you? Tell me, is it possible to obtain some reciprocity from the person you love yet is owned by another? Is it possible to halve a person's heart, keep one half for yourself and leave the other half to his/her owner? are you happy? If you are, tell me how long will it be till you yearn for the person's complete heart? Funny how we were taught since young to always share, share, share and we seen as mature if we do. But it is somewhat the other way around when it comes to 'love'. And did we ever ponder about how it feels to be a shared object? Do you feel the overwhelming guilt or masculine confidence?

Three. Why was there a sudden irritable feeling we once felt, before we threw our commitment away whilst maintaining other things constant? Why do I feel as though I am still being pulled in deeper into the ocean by an emotional current? Don't you know how uneasy and squirmish I get just looking beyond an endless ocean? I hate the depths of the oceans, I hate being in the middle of it.Ironic for a water baby like me. Yet, I love the ocean as much as I love the creatures living underneath it. Thats for you and me. An odd state that I find so interesting yet oddly confusing at the same time. Do I like flirting? I sure do. With fire??? I sure do. Which is why I dare swim out into the ocean without a float, allowing the current to pull me wherever it takes me.

When all comes tumbling down, everything builds into a lump in my throat. But as I fight to breathe easily, as I shake my head in disappointment, as I ball my fists while questioning about life's unfairness, the lump recedes and I loose the will to question, like how we'd loose our inspiration to bake. Have I lost the battle with myself? Were there any battles in the first place? I wouldn't know.

After all the fuss/pyschological chaos, I'd just sigh.