Friday, March 26, 2010

As of March 2010...

As of the first 3 months of 2010..

I have lost 2 people I cherished.
One was through a misunderstanding/small mistake,
The other was by death.

As of the first 3 months of 2010..
I have been questioning myself in terms of my characteristics/ bad habits
I am filled with regret for not being able to see Nenibe after 9 years
I am disgusted with myself for not being a better daughter, for not appreciating my parents
although circumstances require me to stop procrastinating
Nenibe's unwavering faith in God before her death convicted me to the core.
I cannot read updates from my cousins without shedding a tear.

As of the first 3 months of 2010..
I am once again afraid of growing old alone.
I chose to shut myself away and to not update friends on my current well being
I feel I am or may be a burden to them should I start talking about myself
This I have only updated a few if not a handful.

I am tired.

Amidst of the painful chaos, perhaps the optimistic side of me would quip 'Yaay, I've drastically lost weight'?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Sore losers.

Well, well.. what do we have here? 2010, you did bring more challenges.

Some people are absolute sore losers. None of you have changed since. Should you think I was wrong, the least you could have done was to be cool headed about it.

Go ahead and blame me. Keep those misunderstandings and assumptions of yours coming. Continue polluting your own mind, tainting your perception of me. I have come to a point where I cannot be bothered if I am unable to please everyone. I apologise if any of you were those whom I cannot please.

Family and friends. Be it blood related or not. They are only human. When things do not go their own way, they throw tantrums. I am sick of coaxing them out of it. I am sick of being blamed for the things I have NOT done especially at the wrong time and at the wrong phase. I am sick of justifying myself. I am sick of ppl/ families harping over the mistakes I have made. Shouldn't you understand by now that harping over past mistakes will NOT move us forward. It will not solve anything!

Make your own judgements for all I care. I am me. I believe those closest to me know me and trust me for who I am. How unfortunate though, this does not include certain family members as well as those I held some respect for.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Dearest 2009 and 2010. A letter.

Announcing the arrival of the year of the Tiger...

Dear 2009,

It was indeed a great year for me with plenty of breakthroughs as prophesied by a pastor on 20th July 2008. On that day, I was told that I will be going to the 'next level', there will be breakthroughs soon and I need to push the roof to get to the 'next level'. I believe my breakthroughs started right after the prophesy but it was just a matter of time till I saw the fruits of my labour.

I learnt to juggle my time in uni when I was in the midst of that music project in the previous church I was in. Discipline and perseverance kept me confined in my room in solitude (most of the time) but it was worth it as my shaky eyes landed on the 'second upper class' on the freshly printed transcript in June 2009.
I learnt to do things I truly wanted to do without having to look on my right/left to see if any of my friends would join me. I went for that Singapore programme and made more friends. Uni itself reminded me of how harsh reality can be; friends can fail and disappoint.
I learnt that I need more room for improvement when it comes to my temper and my heart. My heart is still in the process of growing numb to situations that may trigger my emotions. It still bleeds despite the straight face or soft spoken voice at work, making it even more torturous because I have nothing to vent my frustrations to. My true temper is something for me to worry about next.. I am in the midst of getting that sorted out.
I managed to secure a job in a reputable firm by relying on God's grace while planning at the same time.
I learnt that I cannot stay in my comfort zone for too long in order to push myself to the next level. It took me a year to ponder upon the decision to move to a new church after years in the church I grew up in.

I learnt so much ..too much till I finally understood the verse in Ecclesiastis; 'with knowledge comes grief'. Ignorance is indeed bliss. Yet it is crucial to learn to accept the amount of wisdom I receive with an open mind, a straight face and an optimistic heart.

Dear 2010,

I am looking forward for the new challenges that will kick me out of my comfort zone. It will definitely test my perseverance and shred my already wounded heart. But it will not kill me although I am not afraid of dying. I believe it will make me cling harder unto Him in a child-like manner, drawing us closer to Him. We are His children after all.

Bring it on, 2010. I challenge you.