Fix me, Lord.

Dear Lord,



Please fix me.



I am pleading for you to fix my low self esteem and confidence. I acknowledge that this is one of my biggest flaws that can never seem to be improved on. You have thrown at me situations that test my confidence yet I seem to fail each of these tests over and over again. I do not know when will I ever learn from my mistakes although I know where I went wrong. In fact, I do not know of any other improved ways to switch my mindset and make it sustainable. At one moment, I feel confident in terms of my physique, intelligence, talents, and 'sweet' personality. But that soon takes a 180 degree change and my confidence drops to a negative to zero value.



The test you threw at me during the Speedzone Tour 2009 was enough to make me realize that I do not have sufficient energy on my own to sustain a mindset filled with absolute confidence and socialable skills. My low self-esteem created a domino effect by fueling a sense of insecurity which then led to slight possessiveness which in turn wrecked part of my weekend as I became emotional. Perhaps, the reason why I could not sustain my level of confidence to a optimum peak is because I cannot do this on my own... I need Your energy/help.



Please, Lord... I plead for you fix me.

This is how I feel now, Reality.

Reality has a way with its fists. It strikes so hard and all of us know it. It can vary from a gradual sting to a 5 second unbearable heart wrenching pain.

Me, i realized how that it loves to strike unexpectedly, in places/moments that we least expect it to appear. Yet, a tiny fraction of your mind gives out light warning signals that there is a tendency for it to appear soon, no... NOW. "Oh..Ouch! Hey! S**t!!My money!! My heart!!" Then, the pick pocketer runs off with your wallet, the con man who conned you scurries off with your dearly departed money, the man/woman in the same train that you once thought was giving you seductive eye contact runs away with your heart, the gold digger who charmed you with his/her flowery language quietly steals away with your bank account number,your dignity AND your heart. That seems to happen when one becomes too naive/ignorant.

I doubt I can ever understand how a well carried/light conversation could still lead me to hunch over with hands clutching tightly to my chest as those eyes become blurry with salt water. I can never ever understand how I can get so smittened by the poetic atmosphere within the conversation though my mind continually yells at me to be skeptical/cautious. When all seems smooth, you startle everything to the extent that it slaps me in the face. But that is a good thing. I need a slap now and then to tell me that I am after all in the 'real' world. I am sorry for being naive. I am also sorry for having so mch pride till I lie so as to hide my feelings. I have been denying, denying and denying and even if you did notice my denial, you were nice enough to not point it out so as to save my 'face'. But I don't like this vulnerable feeling I am starting to feel right now. I am scared. Yes, I am scared too. And thats another reality.

Life is supposedly 'simple'. But I am not one who can make it simple. I am after all complicated. So complicated till I do not realize how naive I have become. Stupid reality.. stupid stupid reality, it hurts and you know it, Reality!

Slipping away from my fingers.

I feel my 2nd upper slipping away. sigh.

I've never felt this discouraged.

After all the studying, note-taking and understanding... I thought I had it all. I thought I could show her how capable I am of expressing my understanding as well as my interest on that subject. But I couldn't. I fucking couldn't!!!! My own right hand, my malfunctioning brain, and time prevented me from doing so. The questions, to be honest, were perfectly fine! PERFECTLY FINE!

And while everyone was going 'Oh, so how did you do?'. I tried to slip away, but was still caught with that common question. I think I mumbled some nonsense with 'No time' or 'I'd rather not talk about it, thank you' along the lines before I ran off.

In fact, none of the 3 papers I just sat for gave me confidence, unlike in my previous semester.

Damn it.

P/S: If you are a boastful 1st class scorer who thinks that this is nothing compared to you struggling to get a 1st class, do Eff Off! 2nd uppers is something I can cling on to since there is no chance of a 1st class already.

Run.

I have quite a number of food posts to write about. But I am procrastinating..

For the moment,

I only want to runaway.

I want to be alone and away from the hustle and bustle of having to rush for assignment datelines. I want to runaway from situations/scenarios that make me think.
I want to runaway from the music project that has taken up my energy, commitment and time of having to attend practices on a weekly basis. I want to runaway from those who whine over petty issues in their relationships when they should be thankful for the love/care they receive that some may not have. I want to runaway from laziness, fatigue, procrastination, the sense of belonging..everything.

I want to runaway from people..

Particularly from those who drain me.
-yawn-

Lump in my throat. Sigh.

There is a lump in my throat and it is not a sorethroat.

Alot of things are so ironic it is annoying. At the same time, so many issues are so annoying it is ironic.

One. When we begin our day with the intention to reach out to our 'loved ones', that intention easily crumbles like pastry on apple crumble pie. The pastry tastes wonderful but heavenly delicacies like this never lasts long. Likewise, good wills/intentions never last long. Baking a good pastry pie comes from the inspiration to bake which would then stimulate your baking skills. Picture a scene where you have waited for this moment to bake since you are now 'in the mood' but when everything is laid out, utensils, ingredients and all, your inspiration leaves you. We strive for perfection, we strive to make full use of our day and be of use to everyone but when the chance for us to prove ourselves arrives, we loose all the strength we need. How ironic.

Two. What is the use of pleasing other people when, at the end of the day, it would not please but hurt you? Tell me, is it possible to obtain some reciprocity from the person you love yet is owned by another? Is it possible to halve a person's heart, keep one half for yourself and leave the other half to his/her owner? are you happy? If you are, tell me how long will it be till you yearn for the person's complete heart? Funny how we were taught since young to always share, share, share and we seen as mature if we do. But it is somewhat the other way around when it comes to 'love'. And did we ever ponder about how it feels to be a shared object? Do you feel the overwhelming guilt or masculine confidence?

Three. Why was there a sudden irritable feeling we once felt, before we threw our commitment away whilst maintaining other things constant? Why do I feel as though I am still being pulled in deeper into the ocean by an emotional current? Don't you know how uneasy and squirmish I get just looking beyond an endless ocean? I hate the depths of the oceans, I hate being in the middle of it.Ironic for a water baby like me. Yet, I love the ocean as much as I love the creatures living underneath it. Thats for you and me. An odd state that I find so interesting yet oddly confusing at the same time. Do I like flirting? I sure do. With fire??? I sure do. Which is why I dare swim out into the ocean without a float, allowing the current to pull me wherever it takes me.

When all comes tumbling down, everything builds into a lump in my throat. But as I fight to breathe easily, as I shake my head in disappointment, as I ball my fists while questioning about life's unfairness, the lump recedes and I loose the will to question, like how we'd loose our inspiration to bake. Have I lost the battle with myself? Were there any battles in the first place? I wouldn't know.

After all the fuss/pyschological chaos, I'd just sigh.

Inspiration on the not so bright side

He strives towards perfection
till he seems flawless to me
It makes me feel uncomfortable
It makes me feel small and impure
It makes me feel envious as he is still so young
I feel convicted, I feel sad, I feel something is not right
yet I feel secure
yet I feel encouraged
yet I feel inspired to change for the better.

I am his 'surrogate sister'
I wish he was my real brother
So as to keep myself in check
But he tries too hard to please others
I advise my best based on experience and observation
He nods in agreement
But who am I
to give practical advices to a semi-flawless person
I may be older
But my level of purity and determination
does not even add up to his.
Then I'd feel uncomfortable,
I'd feel small,
I'd feel impure
I'd feel envious.
It is a vicious cycle.. I can't help but get sucked in it.

On a brighter note, I found my inspiration to write again.
Thanks to him, my surrogate brother.

Ongoing trends

I shall thoroughly update this blog later when i have more time. For now, I need to note down random emerging trends that seem to leave me very perplexed -scratches head in confusion-

Certain couples I know have broken up/ ended their relationships. The most perplexing thing is it happens one after another. In fact, my reaction itself shocked me. I was shocked, yes. But it was more of a 'shocked-because-these-things-are-happening-concurrently' feeling rather than a 'shocked-about-the-sudden-breakup' feeling. Do you get me?

I assume my perceptions have given me some understanding on Rship trends. Which is why I am no longer shocked.

New couples (just like newly weds) get so hyped up during their first few months together to the extent that calling/smsing 24/7 IS NECESSARY! Cuddling/canoodling/touching/ 'babyness'/ whatever P.D.As, you name it.. becomes a hobby whenever they get together. In short, they are filled with passion. But, many of you would know that this passion can wear out if couples are not careful in maintain it. And thats where things can go wrong. Misunderstandings/ insecurity/ possesiveness overtakes the ride in the rship. I used to dread this 2nd stage where the passion runs out because it drains your energy.. Really! But as I mature, I realized that this stage could either break you or mould you. This stage can bring couples much closer than before..that is IF both chooses to allow this phase to mould them. Look on the bright side, this is the stage that unmasks your 'other half's' real personality. Wouldn't you prefer seeing the true side of your partner NOW rather than being 'conned' into marrying someone who has been facade-ing all this while? But as many of my friends put it; it is easier said than done. If both sides feel they cannot kow-tow to each others' viewpoints, then it is best to withdraw now.

And that..can break you.

Many couples tend to drag this stage thinking that it is possible to work things out as time passes. They'd rather stick to one another because of the years together as a couple. Yes, dragging it can work but not all the time.

That can break you too.

In the end, it is best to let go and know what YOU want in an rship. Self justification helps if you change your mindset, which can change your desires. But if you are only justifying the existence of an Rship yet still have desires that don't match your Rship expectations, you are only fooling yourself. Many books, counsellors, and those filled with experiences give the same advice; Get out while you can. Do not fool yourself. But can WE fulfill that??

Hence, some prefer flings rather than rships. That's another ongoing trend i've noticed recently. Flings and flirts. They are harmless and fun. No commitments needed. No strings attached. No make-or-break 2nd stage. You can date as many as you like. Be happy. Get kissed. But, some of those I knw cannot stomach this form of friendship though they think they can. They get 'sucked' into this trap that can BREAK YOU and worse still, make you go through a series of 2nd stages ALONE (supposing your 'partner' is a real flirt). If you are on the brink of agreeing to a fling/friends with benefits friendship, it is best to think twice/3 times/ a dozen times about it. Sure flings are fun and addictive. But they are short-term (most of the time) and it comes with a hefty emotional price.

We are nothing more than emotional/sentimental human beings. It is very (times 100) difficult to let go and more so read our OWN emotions. See..that on the not-so-bright side ay.

P/s: No, I was not one of those who recently went through a breakup. I merely played the role of an observer/listener/counsellor/ and friend :-)

-Big hugs to those going through a breakup-