Dearest 2009 and 2010. A letter.

Announcing the arrival of the year of the Tiger...

Dear 2009,

It was indeed a great year for me with plenty of breakthroughs as prophesied by a pastor on 20th July 2008. On that day, I was told that I will be going to the 'next level', there will be breakthroughs soon and I need to push the roof to get to the 'next level'. I believe my breakthroughs started right after the prophesy but it was just a matter of time till I saw the fruits of my labour.

I learnt to juggle my time in uni when I was in the midst of that music project in the previous church I was in. Discipline and perseverance kept me confined in my room in solitude (most of the time) but it was worth it as my shaky eyes landed on the 'second upper class' on the freshly printed transcript in June 2009.
I learnt to do things I truly wanted to do without having to look on my right/left to see if any of my friends would join me. I went for that Singapore programme and made more friends. Uni itself reminded me of how harsh reality can be; friends can fail and disappoint.
I learnt that I need more room for improvement when it comes to my temper and my heart. My heart is still in the process of growing numb to situations that may trigger my emotions. It still bleeds despite the straight face or soft spoken voice at work, making it even more torturous because I have nothing to vent my frustrations to. My true temper is something for me to worry about next.. I am in the midst of getting that sorted out.
I managed to secure a job in a reputable firm by relying on God's grace while planning at the same time.
I learnt that I cannot stay in my comfort zone for too long in order to push myself to the next level. It took me a year to ponder upon the decision to move to a new church after years in the church I grew up in.

I learnt so much ..too much till I finally understood the verse in Ecclesiastis; 'with knowledge comes grief'. Ignorance is indeed bliss. Yet it is crucial to learn to accept the amount of wisdom I receive with an open mind, a straight face and an optimistic heart.

Dear 2010,

I am looking forward for the new challenges that will kick me out of my comfort zone. It will definitely test my perseverance and shred my already wounded heart. But it will not kill me although I am not afraid of dying. I believe it will make me cling harder unto Him in a child-like manner, drawing us closer to Him. We are His children after all.

Bring it on, 2010. I challenge you.

Ridiculous Repetitive Cycle.

It has always been like this. It's somewhat a cycle that repeats itself day in, day out.

I am the one playing the role of the listener/ counsellor/ loving mother to the guy friends I talk to. I love this role yet I hate it as well. Why? Because I feel used and at the end of the day, I really do feel like a protective mother who finds it difficult to let go of her sons. I feel lonely.

I know of some who would go on and on about getting this one girl to be their other halves yet not do anything about it. I know of some who do take action. And there are some who would come to me when things go bad with (or have lost) their other halves, and would abandon me the next when they crawl back to their ex-halves. I know of one who did something similar along the lines but when things were alright with his other half. Then there used to be those who would whine about not being able to find a partner whom they could click with, and then expect me to introduce more women to them. This is absolutely Ridiculous.

Sure I love helping people. Call me naive but I do this with a genuine heart. You could also call it a give and take issue since it also gives me a better insight on how men think, which will then assist me when advising my girlfriends. But still, I cannot help but wonder if charities like these are truly worth my time/ effort. It emotionally drains me. What worries me is that I only realise this much later, after all charities have been done, when I do not have the strength to be emotionally positive anymore. When issues have been settled, when I have finished playing my part as the listener, when I am given a big virtual 'hug' as a thank you gift, I smile (and sigh with relief) genuinely. But I don't know why I am incapable of holding that genuine smile for long. For as soon as they turn their backs and run out of the door like happy children, I bite my lips and that stupid heart of mine crumbles to the floor and I am lonely again.

Yes, I am always overlooked. Perhaps I have a personality of a wet cabbage... not as interesting as your other halves. Something must be wrong with me to the extent that these people sidle up with me for one moment for comfort and drop me the next.

Do you now understand why I try not to take God and my mummy for granted? I believe this is how they both feel when we do so. God and mum, I am so sorry if I made you feel how I am currently feeling right now. It hurts so much..

I currently have..

3 SRMs to attend in which I do most of the ground works and project those who are due.

MMG, SPA Assurance, CIPS.

I am starting to gather more Comp Time and I hardly see the evening sunset. We have all been exposed to the really absurd 'weather' in our office till I feel we are capable of going up to Genting.. sleeveless/topless. My eyes have consistently been in contact with laptops (homeand office). I hardly play RC on FB anymore. Yet, I do not find this peak period mundane at all. In fact, I get this sense of satisfaction whenever I am able to organize the way I work my way, at my own pace. That satisfaction alone allows me to fully appreciate the weekend and the hangouts I go to. I love the fact that the peak period is this month.. just when those grandparents are coming back from 'Auustraaaiilia'. I'd be nestled between my laptop and my seat on my workstation with me shawl and blanket working for those SRMs not giving two Effs about their current family situation elsewhere as well as how they are doing.

1 SRM down, two more to go as at 5/11/2009. I love work and my IMMEDIATE family (i.e: mum and dad) :)

Fix me, Lord.

Dear Lord,



Please fix me.



I am pleading for you to fix my low self esteem and confidence. I acknowledge that this is one of my biggest flaws that can never seem to be improved on. You have thrown at me situations that test my confidence yet I seem to fail each of these tests over and over again. I do not know when will I ever learn from my mistakes although I know where I went wrong. In fact, I do not know of any other improved ways to switch my mindset and make it sustainable. At one moment, I feel confident in terms of my physique, intelligence, talents, and 'sweet' personality. But that soon takes a 180 degree change and my confidence drops to a negative to zero value.



The test you threw at me during the Speedzone Tour 2009 was enough to make me realize that I do not have sufficient energy on my own to sustain a mindset filled with absolute confidence and socialable skills. My low self-esteem created a domino effect by fueling a sense of insecurity which then led to slight possessiveness which in turn wrecked part of my weekend as I became emotional. Perhaps, the reason why I could not sustain my level of confidence to a optimum peak is because I cannot do this on my own... I need Your energy/help.



Please, Lord... I plead for you fix me.

This is how I feel now, Reality.

Reality has a way with its fists. It strikes so hard and all of us know it. It can vary from a gradual sting to a 5 second unbearable heart wrenching pain.

Me, i realized how that it loves to strike unexpectedly, in places/moments that we least expect it to appear. Yet, a tiny fraction of your mind gives out light warning signals that there is a tendency for it to appear soon, no... NOW. "Oh..Ouch! Hey! S**t!!My money!! My heart!!" Then, the pick pocketer runs off with your wallet, the con man who conned you scurries off with your dearly departed money, the man/woman in the same train that you once thought was giving you seductive eye contact runs away with your heart, the gold digger who charmed you with his/her flowery language quietly steals away with your bank account number,your dignity AND your heart. That seems to happen when one becomes too naive/ignorant.

I doubt I can ever understand how a well carried/light conversation could still lead me to hunch over with hands clutching tightly to my chest as those eyes become blurry with salt water. I can never ever understand how I can get so smittened by the poetic atmosphere within the conversation though my mind continually yells at me to be skeptical/cautious. When all seems smooth, you startle everything to the extent that it slaps me in the face. But that is a good thing. I need a slap now and then to tell me that I am after all in the 'real' world. I am sorry for being naive. I am also sorry for having so mch pride till I lie so as to hide my feelings. I have been denying, denying and denying and even if you did notice my denial, you were nice enough to not point it out so as to save my 'face'. But I don't like this vulnerable feeling I am starting to feel right now. I am scared. Yes, I am scared too. And thats another reality.

Life is supposedly 'simple'. But I am not one who can make it simple. I am after all complicated. So complicated till I do not realize how naive I have become. Stupid reality.. stupid stupid reality, it hurts and you know it, Reality!

Done and over with (part 2).

Miao.

I'm done with all presentations and assignments for my whole IBM Degree!! wooohoo!!! I feel very much relieved. My exams are what I need to worry about now.

24th and the 25th of April will leave me busy with SOCIAL events for once. Yaay! Isa, Marianne, Ching and myself will be heading to Zouk this friday for the CLEO's bachelor finals party. The following day would be a workout day for Ching, Marianna, Kevin and I as we would be participating for a charity walk in Sunway organized by NASAM. Awesome! Awesome! Then, if our energy levels permit us, we MIGHT head to Decanter Setiabakti for dinner..and for another purpose -eye candy- *blush*. Hehe.

'Mr. T, what have you done to me.' LOL. It rhymes.

Done and over with.

I Finished 3 out of 4 of my assignments today!! OMG, what a relief.

As for you, you horrendous IBS 2 & EBE assignments, I still have not forgiven the both of you for throwing me in a state of panic and confusion, for making me feel inferior, and for making me hard-pressed for time though I was diligent enough to plan your layouts way ahead my coursemates. No! I despise the both of you. Printing you both out would not erase the trauma, the stress levels and the eye bags you have caused me! In fact, my efforts have now been transferred into hardcopy (2 hardcopies for EACH assignment on top of it); how to not forget!

May you both rot in hell while I score 2nd uppers and above and take all the well-deserved credit! Die, the both of you! Die!! -executes evil laugh- Muahahahahaaahahaha!!!!!

-__-"

Addiction?

"They're like chocolate cakes, like cigarettes,
I know they're bad for me, but I just can't leave them alone..."

"A man can kill and still be the sweetest thing.."

"So I walked under a bus, I got hit by a train,
Keep falling in love which is kind of the same...
I've sunk out at sea, crashed my car, gone insane,
And it felt so good, I wanna do it again..."

I love Bachelor Girl's Buses and Trains.

Call me an S & M-ist if you must, but I find that the lyrics befits my personality. I love pain, metaphorically speaking. No matter how I complain or cry over issues that seriously break my heart, I am still willing to go through similar experiences which I know is not good for me. And sometimes, I love inflicting pain on people too (metaphorically speaking).

Pain is pleasure? Yea, I guess.


There are times when I'd wonder how it would feel like being the chocolate cake or cigarette.
I don't think I've ever been a drug/choc cake/cigarette to anyone. I've always been the addict.

Lump in my throat. Sigh.

There is a lump in my throat and it is not a sorethroat.

Alot of things are so ironic it is annoying. At the same time, so many issues are so annoying it is ironic.

One. When we begin our day with the intention to reach out to our 'loved ones', that intention easily crumbles like pastry on apple crumble pie. The pastry tastes wonderful but heavenly delicacies like this never lasts long. Likewise, good wills/intentions never last long. Baking a good pastry pie comes from the inspiration to bake which would then stimulate your baking skills. Picture a scene where you have waited for this moment to bake since you are now 'in the mood' but when everything is laid out, utensils, ingredients and all, your inspiration leaves you. We strive for perfection, we strive to make full use of our day and be of use to everyone but when the chance for us to prove ourselves arrives, we loose all the strength we need. How ironic.

Two. What is the use of pleasing other people when, at the end of the day, it would not please but hurt you? Tell me, is it possible to obtain some reciprocity from the person you love yet is owned by another? Is it possible to halve a person's heart, keep one half for yourself and leave the other half to his/her owner? are you happy? If you are, tell me how long will it be till you yearn for the person's complete heart? Funny how we were taught since young to always share, share, share and we seen as mature if we do. But it is somewhat the other way around when it comes to 'love'. And did we ever ponder about how it feels to be a shared object? Do you feel the overwhelming guilt or masculine confidence?

Three. Why was there a sudden irritable feeling we once felt, before we threw our commitment away whilst maintaining other things constant? Why do I feel as though I am still being pulled in deeper into the ocean by an emotional current? Don't you know how uneasy and squirmish I get just looking beyond an endless ocean? I hate the depths of the oceans, I hate being in the middle of it.Ironic for a water baby like me. Yet, I love the ocean as much as I love the creatures living underneath it. Thats for you and me. An odd state that I find so interesting yet oddly confusing at the same time. Do I like flirting? I sure do. With fire??? I sure do. Which is why I dare swim out into the ocean without a float, allowing the current to pull me wherever it takes me.

When all comes tumbling down, everything builds into a lump in my throat. But as I fight to breathe easily, as I shake my head in disappointment, as I ball my fists while questioning about life's unfairness, the lump recedes and I loose the will to question, like how we'd loose our inspiration to bake. Have I lost the battle with myself? Were there any battles in the first place? I wouldn't know.

After all the fuss/pyschological chaos, I'd just sigh.

Ouch!

Yesterday I woke up with a stiff neck.

And today..

It still hurts!!! arghh!!!...So please, do excuse me for my inability to turn my head to my left. I cannot even look down properly.

But at least, today is the career fair which provides me a chance to broaden my ideas on what I am to do as a fresh graduate. I just hope and pray..they do not ask me to turn my head to the left or look down..that would be soo sooo awkward. -__-"

Hehe.

One-liners

I find this very difficult to put this into words beautifully.

Today, Josh messaged, 'Poking' me whilst telling me to 'have a great day' and that someone is missed. :-) There was nothing unusual about this actually. In fact, these simple messages have been a norm since... -dot,dot,dot-. :p Yet, it made my day.

Today, I realized that those unexpected messages that pop out of the blue during classes or early mornings are one of those little things that brighten my day. Really.. the messages sent tend to be simple, one-liners yet its ability to make me grin from ear to ear is amazing. Sure, there are times when I do send one-liners myself and not get a reply. At times, especially if I was pms-ing, I'd be slightly irritated about that. However, getting replies is something one would expect and thus, we do not feel as excited compared to if you'd get a message out of the blue.

Thanks, Josh. Have a great day ahead of you always. Pokes. :-)

Interesting process

This is awesome, a few days ago, I felt the same particular feeling I felt almost a year ago..which was not a good thing. Yet, a few days after that, I am experiencing the tight 'slap' that jolts me bck to reality and snaps me out of this feeling. Last year, that feeling lingered for quite some time till it blurred/fogged my rational thinking. The tight 'slap' only came much later and waking up was difficult to bear. This year around, the whole 'feeling plus slap' process did not spread over a long period. It was quick and short. Well.. I am still in the tight slap process. Reality is coming down hard on me but it feels good to have realization dawn on me quicker than before so that I can 'recover' easily. Sure, the recovery process does feel slightly uncomfortable. Yet, oddly enough, I am genuinely smiling right now. I am feeling calm in fact!

If you were wondering what in the world is this 'feeling plus slap' process. That is for me to knw and for you to find out :p

I love my speakers! wheeee!!! :D

Yesterday.

Yesterday, I felt useful. I felt satisfied. I played the role of a listener, an advisor, a proof-reader, a reassurer,a supporter, an idea-giver, a good daughter, a driver, a 'surrogate' mother (perhaps?).. the list can go on.

Though, this was not my first time doing this (obviously), the fact that I was playing a multiple role in helping people became prominent via sudden self-realization. A few days ago, I felt small and literally useless. I was not sure if my personality was strong enough to impact others. I felt alone, to be exact. But yesterday, God made sure that I did not doubt my confidence in impacting/helping others.

Yesterday, Sudz asked for help/inspiration with his personal statement for a student exchange programme to GREECE (Greece!! Greece!! omg, I hate you, sudhir.How can you learn in such a distracting beautiful place??!!). It was an interesting chore to do as I personally do not have an idea of how personal statements are written. I felt like a 'surrogate' mother wanting her son to feel relieved now that he is done with that chore. All in all, the feeling of helping someone gave me a good feeling. Yet, I was very cautious as to not let that good feeling overwhelm me. I did not want to make it as though I depended on helping ppl to help myself get that 'good feeling'. That would be selfish of me!

Yes, my blog post may look as though I am insecure and in need of some form of reassurance to prove that I am still useful. Well, no, I am not insecure. But yes, I needed some reassurance and encouragement as I felt down this week.

Later in the evening, I met up with Shaz since she was moving to JB this sunday. We chatted sooo soo much till I cldnt even remember tasting the Roti tissue I orderd frm Devi's -sweat- . As I drove bck home after our girly meeting, I could not help but feel a sense of soothing calmness overwhelming me. I'd usually feel flustered and excited after such a girly outing especially when it comes to catching up on friends I have not met for so long. But this calmness was just.. there. And then, I soon realized how our conversation made me realized how much we have matured since our MCKL days. I am more amazed at how much I have matured (emphasis added). Our conversation yesterday made me realize that I no longer am the type who wld listen with envy or discomfort. I preferred to listen intently and feel satisfied at the excited/happy expression on Shaz's face as she talks about the successful 5-days medical conference organized mostly by her. I preferred advising her on certain social issues rather than keeping it to myself and allow her to learn the hard way (just like I used to whn I was in my early teens). I preferred sharing parts of my problems to her rather than bottling it to myself. I was not as chatty and bimbo-ish neither was I too 'emo' and quiet (just like I used to be when I was younger). And that explains the sense of calmness. :-)

I realized I was not much of a trouble to mum, neither was I for my dad. In fact, yesterday, I was (and will always be) a listener for mum since she was a very patient listener when I was still a talkative child.

I was a supportive friend by agreeing to accompany Indra for her morning walks before class,starting this Tuesday. It was a great way to support her weight-loss regime :)

I became a listener and advisor to D when he poured out his issues on his relationship. I am happy for him though I did honestly tell him that I disapprove of certain things he does.

I got in touch with Shalini Niles,a senior frm MCKL. It was so refreshing to actually hear from her! I could sense her vibrant sunshiny aura from where I was sitting. Oddly enough, I did not feel envious (just like I used to when I was younger). Instead, I felt so proud of her.

Yesterday, I reminded myself that there are more multiple roles I am capable of playing in future. Yesterday, I realized I am no longer what I used to be when I was younger. I have grown up (and am still growing). Yes, thanks to my family and friends, yesterday was a very satisfying/productive/fulfilling day...

I love everyone of you.